Personal growth at this point!

It's time to update here. When I read back all my previous post, it's kinda encouraging for me to know myself better. God is good, all the time!

Honestly, I have been facing some challenging issues in my life. It's true that my previous posts are all about myself being insecure and alone. I hate the fact that I haven't meet anyone who really love me from inside out. I'm bluntly honest! Who doesn't want to set up a family? Nobody is to live alone. God gave us a community. So ask for it! Well, why I am telling you this because I learned something important for the past few weeks. I'm still learning not to take things for granted. I have to live my life as a mission for Him.

I can tell you, I will always be a lost sheep. God will definitely won't give up on me. It's easy to say let go of something, but it's hard to put into action. Finally, last week I have decided not to keep in touch with this 'friend' (the only friend whom I care so much) even in social media. I cut it all out, clean cut! You definitely have no idea what is happening. My ex-colleague who defended and stand up for me told me that I still have feeling for him. That's true!

This is what happened. I saw him in Church and he can act like he didn't see me or even talk to me. I was feeling frustrated because I remember I told him clearly. My friend told me he thought if he responds to me or talk to me, my feeling will grow deeper. Didn't I made it clear to Him that I already let go of liking him!!! Of course letting go means I let God to handle and I don't put hope in my own way of expressing my feeling anymore. Doesn't mean that I can fully treat you as stranger and act like nothing happen. It takes time to forget. I thought we can still be friends and just get things back to normal. I didn't know he think of me this way, and thinking he won't hurt me. Well, that's what in his mind but I never thought that he is afraid of hurting me again. Gosh, why on earth he will think of this. I just want to be normal friend again. We didn't even start a relationship. He is feeling bad.

Well, I made my mind clear from now, no more being nice and caring towards him. I give up! I don't need this kind of friend who don't even know about me. The very fact, I thought last time he will be my partner. Seriously, I thought I'm crazy because I feel insecure. Right now, I don't need feel or think for him. Yes, I'm angry but losing a friend is better than becoming an enemy to him in the future. I'm not running away. I will still attend church.

Another thing that I learned is to be independent myself, and dependent on God. What I mean that I want to take more responsibility on my own. I believe God has a reason why I'm in this job. It's not very comfortable but I know He is teaching me to be independent and start thinking for my own future. I cannot depend on my parents all the time. I want to go holiday on my own, or do something on my own. I don't want to be like last time saying that I don't travel or do things on my own. If I do things on my own, it doesn't mean I am selfish. I'm learning to put my trust in His hand that He will take care of me when I'm alone. This is what is happening so far.

This new working environment taught me to depend on God fully but not on my own feeling. Not a comfortable as it seems but I know He is with me. I believe I can learn this fast as I surrender to Him daily. Please pray for me. I'm learning to be prayerful as well. =) God is my everything. I pray that I will know His will daily.