Being Content

⁵ Let your conduct be without covetousness; be content with such things as you have. For He Himself has said, “I will never leave you nor forsake you.”<sup>[a]
Hebrews 13:5

Dear Diary, 

It has been a year since I didn't journal. Well, it's a new year - 2018, a year of freedom... I believe so.  It's next year's Church theme - Freedom from all limitations to accomplish all divine assignments. 

I'm learning to trust God every step...a step of faith in decision making.

What is more that I could ask, in this life?, to be able to spend my life serving Him in a Church. It is a ministry that I would not imagine. Well, His way is higher than my way. It's human nature to think it is a condition to serve God. For me, it's a condition that my parents are healthy and strong. What is more that I could ask for? 

Anyway, the whole year of 2017 is kinda like a big jump from one end to another end. I won't be sharing much. The verse above is a reminder for me to be contented in what I have now. Although I do not have extra to spend on pedicure/manicure or even spa or even expensive treatment for hair, clothing... I am fully aware being in a full time ministry, I have just enough to spend. I'm thankful. Honestly! The best, God knows and provided small/big thing for my need and want. He cares! He really do. I'm truly thankful. This year Christmas, was meaningful although I don't feel like a celebration but I'm blessed with the Christmas presents. All pressie is right, useful and right on time. 

This is a temporary journey for me to go through. I know I need to work on my budget or spending power. I realised it is a discipline which I need to learn for this year. 

I'm caught by surprise of how He works thing in my life. I made a promise to Him that I will overcome a habit which is hard to deal with (which I think is sinful), by keeping myself pure for 3 months. Right now, I'm an overcomer. =) 

Then, came a guy, who had shown interest in me. I'm taken a back. I'm still waiting for God additional confirmation. I wanted to know it's really a double confirmation from Him. I told God many times I want the first and last man. Don't give me too many choices. I'm easily confused. Somehow, I'm a doubtful of my own hearing. Seriously, I'm a sheep who don't know His voice? How can it be? I'm doubtful...doubting Thomas? Or I still have the fear and low confidence? It's my own personal reflection. 

I need a bigger faith in believing so.  Holy Spirit, please help me...Well, below is my list about what I'm planning to do. 

Things to do in 2018:
1. Prayerful and fasting lifestyle
2. Reading life - read more books
3. Finish studying in AOIC
4. Continuous support to missionaries
5. Start running and tabata exercise
6. Join a marathon in Hong Kong
7. Building relationship with Children's Church leaders and youths
8. Travel to Vietnam for holiday
9. Cook more and probably try baking? 
10. Sharing Christ with others

Alright time to move and do my assignment. 

Thank you diary for allowing me to share my thoughts. 

God bless. 

Serena</sup>

Remembering His Goodness

Hi :)

It has been a while! Yea, my life is going up and down frequently lately. One thing I'm thankful that my relationship with Christ is closer. I think I'm wiser in making decision. As I reflect my past, I was childish, like a child demanding selfish things. After what I had been through, it's a painful and won't be able to forget such journey. He knows how I should be shaped - just like the clay He wants me to be. In Chinese Calendar, this year - 2016, I'm actually 31 years old! Life is definitely interesting. I had resigned recently. I found a job which will be starting on March, 7th. This is something not expected - a job as soon as I resign. Somehow, I sense God will take care. Yea, it might be worrisome at first because I quit without a job. I should not be complaining about the pay, although it is not what I want but at least somewhere super near my house and I'm able to earn a bit more to pay for my house loan. I give glory to Him. He answered my prayer. He knows my need. He provided me. I have nothing much to ask...During this season, I know I should draw near to Him. While studying in AOIC, I know it's my privilege to go for classes. Basically attending classes and doing assignments discipline my walk with GOD, it's something that motivate me to keep striving for Him. I would love to serve Him with all that I have.

I talked to a friend lately, she is also praying her mission work in Japan. I understand the need to build an alter in my house. This is for prayer. Without prayer, there is no connection with God. Anyway I need HIM more than He need me. I understand that every blessing is to identify His goodness in my life. I would never regret taking a step of faith in serving Him. I'm not sure about my future but I'm clear to know that I have to take every single step at a time. I should not rush into what I think He wants for me. I learn to wait. Waiting is hard. It teaches to be patient and listened to Him. Let Him talk. I shall shut up! I'm just a child of God. I learn to expect Him to do great things, this also helps me to understand that God is not in a box! He is higher than my thoughts. I learn to walk slow and steady. I'm thankful for many seasons in life. I would say He won my heart many times. I can't deny His perfect love covers my flaws. All I can say or shout - ALL GLORY TO HIM! 

A New Covenant

I came back from Peace Haven, it was a good break away from busyness in life, to remain focus. As you know whatever I plan, it may not turn out that way. I met a sister by the name of Nicole. I learned much from her, to set a covenant with God, on prayer. I need to pray more. I need to seek Him more. I need to read His word. I need to focus. I need to be discipline. I pray that the Holy Spirit will lead me to where He wants me to be.

Another thing, I just got rejected by Focus on the Family. No post for me... Is okay, I think corporate would suit me better. I don't want to work here long. I want to take a break from everything, seriously I want a better paying job. I'm still on the lookout...why am I know feeling down lately? I do...this is not what He wants for me? I don't know anymore.  

Moving Forward

I don't feel anything, just that being afraid if I could catch up new job. I need to balance both study and work. Of course it is challenging! It's kind far, and I'm seriously not aiming to earn a lot of money. The main reason is I could spend time finishing my study. It sounds a bit selfish, but I know that I need to equip myself at this point. Just like this verse: "making the most of your time, because the days are evil" Eph 5:16. 

I'm not gaining a master or a degree or to be recognized but I know that the main reason I chose to come out from GBM is to build deep in His word. I want to spread His love to the whole world, I know that He will use me in challenging the youths to seek the Truth and Light. I can't be anymore dreaming in my own world thinking of just by sharing. I have to build a solid foundation. The world is full of temptations. I need to make my path righteous before Him. Pray with me. I know it's not easy to be in the battlefield with Satan. I won't regret. At the same time, I hope I can make a minor contribution to the marketplace, bringing the light to the new office. Tomorrow will be the day to start something new. Always remind myself to stay focus! I can only be used by Him when I surrender and humble to let the Holy Spirit to take control. 

This season is for me to step out of my comfort zone and be intentional towards friends and family. Keep my pride away, teach me to be humble wherever I go, Holy Spirit, please lead me to the still water and do what is necessary to reach out to many people. I will stay strong!

Thank you God for this journey. I don't feel regret leaving GBM but I miss Alice badly...even Francesca. I will keep on praying for them. God knows...whether this job is right for me too. I trust in His timing.

Final Week

I can't imagine, I'm leaving GBM by the end of this month.

Yes, many times I think over my choice, am I in His will? Did I made a rush decision? I'm getting used as of now, the environment, the flexibility that my boss didn't rush me... etc.. Probably I'm too comfy here and don't feel like moving at all.

Yes, the new place is at Mon't Kiara, which is a bit far. I will be working in KL on 1st Oct! What is my feeling now? I'm happy to leave this place I guess but I'm going to miss my colleagues here. What is it like working in new environment? Despite of the changes, I will focus now on praying and fasting. I need to be more discipline is doing so.

The reason I decided to move out is to focus on my study. Seriously God gave me a passion to study and build deep. I will definitely serve Him full time! I need Him. I will pray and wait for the next move. I need to have the Spirit of Discernment. I'm thankful for one year and one month working experience in GBM.

Praise be to God alone. Without Him, I don't think I can last that long.

I am an Overcomer!

It has been a while I didn't express it here. Yes. I'm always searching for answer. Sometime, God don't answer but I know He listens. I guess it is another breakthrough for me. 

I just turned 30 last Friday. I had a good time with mom, dad and friends. This year is a season of testing. I have to juggle both my studies and ministry, which I'm still doing it now.  A lot of things I want to be thankful for - especially this life. Reaching 30 is a mark for me to think about my past. My spiritual growth... has it grown, stagnant or failing? Despite of many challenges and expectations (be it in the organization or study or even my personal circumstances), I know that He has never leave me alone to handle so many things. In this ministry, I experienced His love and favor, and He is my Help most of the time but somewhere I got lost in my own walk with Him. I feel discouraged and disappointed. But God knows, He brought me to the light when I felt so lonely in this journey. I found myself drawing to Him more. I need HIM! All I need is Him!  

Seriously, I've never expected much in this life but I want to thank God for the people He has brought into my life. They prayed and supported me. I'm blessed by them. Yea, I'm still single, nothing change but I am more mature in handling my emotion. If you have read my previous posts, you will know that my mood swayed quite often - I'm talking about my emo posts. However, over the period of molding by Him, I know that He has a reason to put me through - the key - to be authentic and be a child like to Him, depending fully on Him. I have learned to let go and surrender most of the time. Indeed, it is still a long journey to learn more about Him.

I'm dare to express my feeling - I'm sorry X. It took me for quite some time to be honest. I thought of meeting X f2f but it didn't turned up that way. Instead, I whatsapp'ed X. I managed to express and tell X. Case close. I don't have that 'feeling' anymore or even wrong thoughts about X. I care yes. But the caring part is over for now. It's a full stop. It has been more than 2 years. I did my part to reconcile. It's up to X to respond. I'm glad to have this breakthrough. A sense of freedom in me. I'm able to concentrate on what I need to do. To get a corporate job and start saving money for my studies. I have never been serious about this. Going to America, it's just a day dream but I know I have the passion to build my foundation right. I challenge myself that within two years, I will work and finish my AOIC course. I shall continue my studies there. I know it sounds crazy and I know it's not an overnight wish or magical thought. It has been in my heart for quite some time. I want to fulfill it. 

Definitely I will stay in His path, I'm sure He will correct me if I go to the wrong path. 

Yes, Serena. You need to build deep in His word. A strong foundation that I could then serve Him all that I have. Thank you Holy Spirit for guiding and waking me up. 

It's never been too late...

Pretty Own Assumption...

I'm getting pretty at times especially juggling with work and study. I'm feeling super tired. I won't say I'm worn. I lose focus on seeking Him and knowing His will. I'm easily distracted too.

The clock is ticking... I don't know whether I have maximize the time I have for now. I'm looking for a long weekend break from work. I should be fasting and keeping myself focus in praying and reading His words. The Lord is always near...I should be more sensitive to His leading. I need to hear from Him.

I need His forgiveness in doing all the sinful things. One by one...I'm ashamed. It's never been easy for me to deal or handle it. I know I need His grace badly. What else can I do? I'm feeling confused? Choosing between the two options - job or study. I can't have both. 

Holy Spirit, please lead me to the way you want me to go. I'm aimless. Less than a month, I'm reaching 30...

Yea, I still think about my single life. I know that I hate working alone. Of course I have hope that He will bring a partner to me. I still doubt and think about the past. The thought and feeling still linger around. I pray quite often to hear from Him. I need confirmation on this part.

Only You could help me to overcome my fear, my insecurity, my doubt, and my weaknesses. God, please direct me. Thank You for loving me even though I'm sinful...