It has been almost 10 months, I just can't imagine saying to everyone that God called me into this ministry. All I can say that God confirmed twice for me. It's nothing great about the title or role. I feel like I'm missing the point in my work place - satisfaction. I'm not satisfied with what I do now. If you know me well, I am a people person. Working here is definitely draining my energy especially when you have an older colleague (who seem to know everything because of 9 years of experience) who don't listen to you. I fed up and pissed because she don't work as a team. She would rather work alone.
I'm seriously tired and I don't feel like working with her. I can't imagine I can stand for so many months. Often time, when she is emotional, we are basically the victims to her. We have done nothing wrong. What is wrong then? She carries a lot of past baggage and she doesn't know really know who God is. Of course I pray for her, hopefully she will understand what it means to be Christian. I know my post is higher. As for me, it doesn't matter any more, no point giving her advises and offering my help. She seems to be acting like a big sister. I came to the point I don't want to receive order from her. I hate it. I sense that she don't respect me. I've tried my best to be at peace and love her. Why it is so hard? She is seeking of attention, I have given my best to help her any other way but no point. When I think of it, she doesn't even appreciate me. She compares my role is higher than her. Well, good for her, I don't want to stay long here. I'm emotionally depressed. I don't have to go to the point to quit GB for good.
Another matter is, my passion is mentoring and discipleship, both it seems like GB is not a platform for me to do so. I'm basically doing administrative work here. I have to attend meetings and write reports. I can't even focus on training, or seeking to improve or even visiting company. I'm screaming myself out now!!! I can't do it. It seems to good to be true to manage training but it's not. People (old generation) but not all, they don't mentor but they want to take charge of everything. I guess it is a good reason to leave ASAP. I don't know whether it is my own decision or His. Well done Serena, you don't know anymore who God is... I'm just giving a piece of my mind. I'm not degrading GB but I'm just releasing my emotional here. No one will ever understand my situation.
One more tiny problem still occurs..... he is no longer having a place in my heart anymore. Yea, that guy, I give up. If I don't meet him at all, I won't have that kind of feeling at all. I'm suck in relationship. All for once, I don't need him to be in my life... It's depressing isn't it. That's life, I still need to move on. Next thing I know is, I want to save more money. At this age, reaching 30, I can't be depending on my parents for money. This is my sucky life. I don't deserve it at all. I don't want them to feel bad, sympathy or even worry for me. I need to let go and move on.
The end.
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