Forgiveness? Hurt? Respect?

Heavenly Father,

Thank for keeping me safe all the time. Indeed, I learned hard lessons from You. After the car accident, I did a lot of thinking over my life. You worked through different ppl to share and talk to me. I was stubborn and self centered in my own choices and decisions. Sorry Abba Father. I know You didn't give up on me. My future lies in Your hands. I'm learning to trust and depend on You daily. Everyday, I long to see You. I hope I can hug and touch You.

I'm learning hard to respect my dad. A deep scar within my heart which I don't see it until recently a sister pointed it out. She advised me to go for Elijah House. Sudden urge in my heart I want to learn to respect and love my dad. Forgive me Father for not really honoring my parent. She asked how can I love You when I don't 'really' love my earthly dad. I thought I have accepted him for who he is.

Honestly, I don't have enough patience when talking to my dad. He is always right. I tried to talk to him nicely, but he always said his point is right. Most of the time I felt angry at him. Mom and dad always argued over small matters. Ever since I'm with them, I know dad is stubborn and his egoness to gets his way out. I had seen mom crying a lot. I will definitely protect her. I can't stand it. Thank God they are Christians and didn't mention divorce at all.

I guess Asian parents are all the same. Big ego men!!! I was fed by my mom and grandma on negative points about him at times. Because of him didn't potray a good dad (I expect him to be a role model in the family) since young. I'm angry and will defend myself or mom whenever my dad was doing something not right in my eyes.

I had a lot of hurts and bitterness. I know I need to break it if it is a generational sin. My elder bro didn't potray what I expect to be a good brother since young. Honestly, I feel insecure and lose trust and respect for men. Another fact about men: men always look at physical appearance but God looks at the heart. I'm an average size girl. Low self-esteem and low confidence since young. That's true. Now, I know that I'm beautiful in God's eyes. In fact, I wish I could be single and do not need to depend on men, as they are not dependable and trust able. I hate them.

However, You showed me that I can depend on men. They are a few godly men I met in the Church.

I began to see them as good Christian brothers, appreciating their kindness.  Ended up liking XXX! How can that be? I was amazed how You let me attract to guys. You are funny Lord. Laughing at myself. I began to feel that I do need a partner after all. I don't like to be alone. Lord, teach me not to rush but to wait upon Your timing. Father, your thoughts are not my thoughts. I know feelings could be wrong. I need to learn from Your truth and to trust you completely. Help me not to jump into any conclusion or rush decision. I will continue to communicate with You.

Thank You Father!

Love,

Serena